Funny Quotes

Okay, I decided to have a little fun on Facebook and quote a bunch of stuff from folks. Some are serious and others are just funny.

Enjoy.

"Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler."
W. C. Fields

"I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food."
W. C. Fields

"I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them."
Rita Rudner

"Hors D'oeuvre: A ham sandwich cut into forty pieces."
Jack Benny

"I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money." Bob Hope

"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die." Mel Brooks

To attract men, I wear a perfume called "New Car Interior." Rita Rudner

The most used phrase in my administration if I were to be President would be "What the hell you mean we're out of missiles?" Glenn Beck

"America wasn't founded so that we could all be better. America was founded so we could all be anything we damned well pleased."
P. J. O'Rourke

"Good for you, you have a heart, you can be a liberal. Now, couple your heart with your brain, and you can be a conservative." Glenn Beck

"Chemistry can be a good and bad thing. Chemistry is good when you make love with it. Chemistry is bad when you make crack with it." Adam Sandler

"If government were a product, selling it would be illegal."
P. J. O'Rourke

"If you say a modern celebrity is an adulterer, a pervert and a drug addict, all it means is that you've read his autobiography."
P. J. O'Rourke

"The Clinton administration launched an attack on people in Texas because those people were religious nuts with guns. Hell, this country was founded by religious nuts with guns. Who does Bill Clinton think stepped ashore on Plymouth Rock?"
P. J. O'Rourke

"The good news is that, according to the Obama administration, the rich will pay for everything. The bad news is that, according to the Obama administration, you're rich."
P. J. O'Rourke

"I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody."
Bill Cosby

"I like to think of my behavior in the sixties as a "learning experience." Then again, I like to think of anything stupid I've done as a "learning experience." It makes me feel less stupid."
P. J. O'Rourke